It is becoming more and more real each day that passes. Payton is going to be 3 July 16th. All I have ever wanted is a little girl. To play barbies, dress up, and let me curl her hair and get our nails done together. Payton is none of the above but she is better than anything I could of ever asked for. I still think about what our lives could of been like had she not regressed into Autism. She would be able to listen to me. She would stay close when we go outside instead of running away. She would be able to express her love and needs to us instead of us guessing. As days go by for me, it just gets harder and harder. She is getting older. I am in no way in denial that she has Autism, but I don't want it to be who she is. She is first and foremost a daughter of god, a daughter to us, and a little sister to her big protective brothers. I have a hard time when strangers question her age or ask why she doesn't look or talk. I want to scream, LISTEN, SHE HAS AUTISM. As a mother, I just want to avoid letting others know and label such a precious girl.
I have such a hard time saying it out loud to strangers who are just trying to be kind and are curious. I don't want that to be the first thing out of my mouth about her. She is so much more than that. It hurts my heart that this is the pathway we were given. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be. I try so hard to always be positive. I want to radiate positivity to the world and let them know I am strong and I have no sadness. Unfortunately I am human and I have feelings and doubts and fears. I try to not let them sink in but I do have moments of vulnerability that make me weak. She is such a precious child and wants to burst through sooo bad.
Unfortunately, we received some bad news about her levels of mercury, arsenic, and lead. I will wait until we get the whole picture back and share everything with you guys. We are happy to have some answers but it is so troubling as the how will never be answered. We are pushing through and pray for the day that she opens her mouth and just talks to us. As of right now we take one day at a time...
